Don't Be Such a Drama Queen, Kirk
by lz-wtts
Summary: This story is crack...maybe. Basically, all the characters' genders are switched. So, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are all prima donna teenage girls, and Uhura and Chapel are invincible, star-athlete, teenage boys. Enjoy. Because I know I did...


**Alright...so...this is inspired by Mean Girls, Degrassi, True Life of the American Teenager, and what I go through every single day. **

**And of course...Star Trek.**

**Boys are girls, and girls are boys.**

**Warning: Much language, sluttiness, angst, and disaster.**

_**Anything can happen...**_

_**

* * *

**_

Jennifer Cleopatra Kirk stuffed the last of her clothes into the small duffle bag her father had given her. _Yeah, good going, Dad. 'Cause a sixteen year-old girl can fit all her shit into one bag, _Jen thought to herself as she tugged on the zipper.

Her sister Sam walked in the room carrying a small duffle that also looked like it was about to explode.

"Fuck Dad for giving us these bags. I had to put some of my clothes in the moving boxes," Sam whined. "They're going to get all dusty."

"That's why it's called _packing,_ girls. I don't want to deal with a bunch of luggage. Now hurry up, Jen," Winston Kirk yelled from across the hallway.

Sam gave her younger sister an annoyed look and left her to her packing. Jen sighed. She couldn't believe she was leaving Riverside, Iowa. Her whole life was in this town. San Francisco wouldn't measure up at all. She hated cities.

Finally, the zipper closed completely and Jen dragged it unhappily down the stairs to the e-car. Winston threw it in the trunk with the two other duffels.

"Alright, girls, buckle up," he said.

The ride was not completely bad. Between Iowa and California there were a lot of beautiful sites, and Jen loved the outdoors. Her and her dad used to go rock climbing whenever they got the chance. They would camp out for days underneath the mountain, and each morning at dawn start a new climbing route. "You're mother loved camping," her dad would say solemnly. Jen often wondered what camping with her mom would be like. Sam hated camping, hated rock climbing, and hated the outdoors in general, so Jen had never had the chance to do anything she liked with another girl, not that her dad wasn't good enough. She just always wondered what her mother was like.

Georgina Kirk died soon after Jen was born. Winston never spoke of the details, so Jen never asked. Sam remembered her vaguely, but not enough to have a conversation about her. So Jen had only her imagination to lean on. She would day dream for hours about her and her mother hiking together on unexplored planets around the galaxy...

"Jen, wake up!" Sam yelled, throwing the movie player's controller at her little sisters' face.

Jen woke up startled as the thing hit her temple.

"Bitch..." she mumbled. Her and Sam never had gotten along.

She scrambled out of the car, grabbed her bag, and went to stand beside her dad.

"Well, sweetie, here's our new home," he smiled and put his arm around his baby girl.

Jen looked up at the house. It wasn't all that bad...except for the disgusting San Francisco sky line you could see from the backyard. _So much for a beautiful view,_ and she walked inside.

The obnoxious beeping of her PADD alarm woke Jen up at 7:30 in the morning. It was monday...her first day at Enterprise High School in San Francisco.

_And the beginning of the end of my life._

She got dressed and walked down the stairs only to find her bitch-of-a-sister still in pajamas.

"God, I'm so glad I graduated," Sam said.

"Well, maybe you should try to go to college to make something of your life," Jen replied.

"Go get your soul eaten out by the pricks at public high school, brat."

Jen snorted and walked out the door to catch her bus.

Although Jen wasn't sure wether or not her soul was going to be eaten, she was positive it would be scarred. As soon as she stepped onto the bus, she was elbowed by two butch girls in the front seat that got into a fist fight. As she fell onto the bus's floor, her back was immediately stepped on by a 270 pound senior boy who obviously found the brawl so arousing, he needed to go watch.

"Oh, sorry," he mumbled as he heard the sound of a back popping underneath his weight.

Jen whimpered as she tried to get up. Small town schools were much more calm.

She felt a skinny arm suddenly hoist her up into a seat.

"Hey, idiot!" the good Samaritan yelled to Jen's attacker.

"What?"

"You just 'effing stepped on her!"

"Oh," the fat boy shifted the weight on his feet. "I said sorry."

"Sorry, isn't good enough. You can't just go stepping on people with your fat ass! Now sit the frick down before I make you!" the girl yelled back.

This bickering got the attention if the entire bus, along with the two lesbians fighting in the front who immediately discontinued their combat. Everyone was staring at the boy, who immediately turned bright red from humiliation.

"I'm sorry, Lauren..."

"Sorry's not gonna cut it, dick wad. Just shut up."

The boy sat down with tears in his eyes.

"Hey...you didn't have to be so hard on him..." Jen told the girl who was now brushing her off.

"You can't take shit from people. I'm guessing you're new," she said.

"Yeah. From Iowa."

"Oh, yeah? I was new once. I'm from Mississippi," the girl said. Jen thought she detected a southern drawl the skinny girl's voice.

"I'm Lauren McCoy," she said, sticking out a boney hand.

"I'm Jen Kirk," Jen replied shaking it.

Lauren wouldn't shut up the entire way to school. She talked about her life back in Mississippi, why she moved here, her miserable life with her step-dad, and anything else in the universe she could kinder up to talk about. Jen immediately liked this girl. Not only did she chew out the guy that probably just set up her first chiropractor appointment, but she was funny.

"Thanks for that back there, by the way," Jen said once they got off the bus.

"Oh, don't mention it."

"I can't believe that huge guy was scared of you...you're just skin and bones," Jen joked.

Lauren laughed. "Bret Farggis is an idiot. He needs to learn to either lose weight, or watch where he steps."

Jen giggled.

After second period, Jen had study hall. She walked outside to what the school called "the park" even though it was just a bunch of picnic tables in an old sand box. She pulled out her _Federation Economics_ text-drive, connected it to her PADD, and began reading.

_Although many Federation planets have their own unique form of an economic system, the Federation has stipulated certain laws keeping various planetary governments from gaining an excess amount of economic power._

Tap.

_These laws provide a fall-back for the citizens of the planet to rely on when they believe their government is becoming too autonomous. _

Tap tap.

_According to the census in 2227, the planet of Onus IV had approximately..._

**TAP TAP TAP.**

"What the hell?" Jen yelled looking up at the skinny dark haired guy sitting across from her who was tapping his pencil on the table.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I needed to get your attention..."

"You could've just said something," Jen said irritably.

The kid looked around him. "You never know where they are," he whispered again.

"I'm...sorry?" Jen asked confused.

"I saw you sitting with Lauren McCoy on the bus today," the boy continued to whisper.

"Yeah, so?"

"She's bad news."

"Oh, alright," came the sarcastic response.

"No, listen!" he started to protest, but his facial expression changed to one of fear as he looked across Jen's shoulder.

Jen looked behind her and saw Lauren with four other girls walking across the courtyard to their next class.

"Do you know who your little friend's with?" the creepy boy asked.

"No."

"Of course not, you're new. Those are the Starfleets."

"Who are the Starfleets?" Jen asked, starting to get interested.

"Only the most conceited, self-centered, bitches at school," the kid started. "You already know Lauren. But that Asian one standing beside her– trying to cartwheel– is Vikaru Sulu, but call her Vikki. Beside her is Lavel Chekov, the Russian exchange student. Then there's the Scottish girl who's obsessed with e-car engines, Melanie Scott, who they call Scottie; and the worst of them all...the Queen Bee of the Starfleets...Spockina."

Jen stared at Spockina. "A...Vulcan?"

"Yeah...there's a lot of off-worlders at Enterprise High..."

Spockina was tall, thin, with piercing black hair that fell on her shoulders. She was beautiful, for sure, but her gaze looked like it could slice you in half.

"Okay...so what exactly is so bad about them?" Jen asked.

"They control this place. They're the most popular, most wanted girls in school. But Spockina is the biggest two-faced slut of them all," he said.

Jen wasn't convinced.

"Fine, but I'm just trying to warn you," the boy rolled his eyes. "Stay away from the Starfleets." And with the final word, he got up and left Jen to sit there in a cloud of confusion.

_Only ninety-nine more to go,_ Tyota Uhura thought happily to himself as he lifted the heavy weight above his head. Weigh training was his favorite class, and bench pressing was his favorite thing to do.

Beside him on the other bench, Christopher Chapel was scanning an e-magazine from his PADD.

"Did you know 92% of girls would rather a guy be amazing in bed and have a small penis, then have a big one?" he said looking up.

"Good for you I guess," Ty said.

"Shut up, asshole," Chris retorted and continued his reading.

"Chapel! What the hell do you think your doing?" the football coach walked up to the two junior classmen.

"Uh–oh just uh..." Chris mumbled.

"Bench. Now," the coach said. "Uhura, good work."

"Thanks, sir," Ty smiled to himself.

"Thanks, sir," Chris repeated mockingly.

"Don't be jealous that I'm amazing," Ty laughed.

"Yeah, gotta give you that one. All the girls love you, the coaches and teachers think you're perfect...you have a big dick..." Chris said.

"What the hell do you know about my dick?" Ty stopped benching to look at his friend.

Silence. "What's your count?"

"Um...uh...forty...thirty...um...holy shit, Chris, I hate you!" Ty laughed and chugged a sweaty towel at his friend. "Now I'm gonna have to start all over."

"Serves you right, Mr. Perfect," Chris said and began to bench.

After weight training, Chris and Ty showered up and headed out to the hallway.

"So...question," Chris began.

"What's up?"

"You and Spockina...over? Yes?" Chris asked shyly.

Ty laughed for what seemed to be a very long time.

"Okay, dude, okay..." Chris was turning red.

"Yeah, I know you've had an underlying crush on her ever since she moved here. To tell you the truth, I felt bad for dating her in the first place because of that," Ty was still laughing.

"It's fine."

"But yeah, we're over," Ty patted Chris on the shoulder. "Go for it."

Ty jumped when the bell rang. He was _never _late for class. He patted his best friend's shoulder once more and hightailed it to his Vulcan History class. He turned a sharp corner and slammed right into a young dirty blonde haired girl he had never noticed before.

"Oh, I'm sorry, really, gosh, you okay?" Ty asked her.

Jen looked up in astonishment. _That hurt...a lot_. She took the boy's hand and wondered why she continuously was getting injured on her first day.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks," Jen said rubbing the back of her head.

"Haven't seen you around here before," Ty smiled.

"Yeah, I'm the new girl from Riversi–," Jen finally made eye contact with him. She froze in place. _You're beautiful..._

"Hmm?"

_Shit._ She was positive she only said that in her head. "Um nothing...sorry."

Ty laughed. "Well, I'm Ty Uhura."

"I'm Jen...Kirk," Jen said shaking his hand. She was so embarrassed. Usually she was so cool with guys. Back at Riverside she had all the boys wrapped around her finger...and without letting them in her pants. Why couldn't she be here?

"Nice to meet you, Jen. Maybe I'll see you around?" Ty smiled.

"Yup. See ya," Jen quickly said and ran off to class before she embarrassed herself further.


End file.
